Lately I seem to be doing a lot of waiting. Waiting for the next medical test, waiting for those results, waiting for the next test/specialist/diagnosis or, in my case, lack of diagnosis so far.
Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of practice; this is my third go-around with the ‘it might be cancer’ rhetoric. I’m pretty used to it now, although that wasn’t always the case. The first time I handled it ok. The second time I completely lost the plot and fell in a heap, probably because I was already in a very bad place mentally and emotionally.
This time I’m at peace, and I’m not waiting until they tell me whatever they have to tell me, I’m perfectly fine in the waiting.
There’s a song I love, Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco, that talks about finding God not in some afterlife or when things are all fine, but finding him in the waiting.
I am really bad at living in the moment. So much of my life has been a frantic race to ‘what’s next’, to some future time when things are better or when I have accomplished more. Maybe the Universe it trying to pound a message into my rather dull brain through these three episodes. ‘LIFE IS IN THE WAITING, YOU MORON!’ I think I’m finally getting it.
So, it is a gift, this time. I’m not waiting until. Life is now. It’s in the waiting.
Whatever nourishes, whatever is passion, whatever is essence; whether that is creativity, family, yoga, God, horses, nature, helping others, it’s now.
I’m still on the medical merry-go-round but I’m at peace. Hopefully it will be another good outcome but whatever…
Life is in the waiting.