I’ve been a bit absent for a while and I tossed back and forth whether to write this post but decided to go with Brené Brown and her power of vulnerability. It’s a bit heavy, though, so if you’re not in the right place for that, feel free to just admire the little bub I’m cuddling in the photo taken a few days prior.
As most of you know, I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer at the end of August, and started chemo. A while ago I ended up in hospital with a small bowel obstruction. Tests revealed that the first line chemo was not working and that the cancer has progressed. Fortunately we managed to get the obstruction taken care of medically and I have started on the second line chemo drug.
My particular cancer is very aggressive and by the looks on my doctors’ faces, they don’t hold much hope of this chemo working either. What Gloomy Gusses! The main concern at this point is another bowel obstruction (which, apparently, is what I am most likely to die from…oh yay) so I am on a low fibre, soft diet. Pretty much sloppy junk food. But hey, I can eat all the ice cream I want!
Surgery is not possible. A lifetime of Crohn’s Disease, fibroids, cysts and endometriosis has left my abdomen a rock of scar tissue. Besides, unless you can remove a large portion of the cancer, surgery tends to just spread it.
Bottom line is that nobody knows may fate. I could get a bowel obstruction at any time which, if not resolved, will be rapidly fatal. I could go for a while till this happens. This chemo could work better for me and I could have a remission for a period of time. Or I could get my miracle healing and die in my sleep at 96.
I am betwixt and between. Feeling caught between living and dying.
It is rather surreal, existing with this information, because I mostly feel pretty good. No major side-effects from the chemo and just a little tiredness and very little pain. I still ride Rumble, train Kalypso, and am going ahead with breeding my four mares, knowing that I may or may not see their foals. I have long-term goals but live day by day, with each day’s end being entirely uncertain.
But then, isn’t that the truth for all of us? We are all dying. None of us knows the day’s end. We assume or hope that we have another five, twenty-five, fifty years. Maybe, maybe not.
I still believe in miracles. I have decided to concentrate my energy on the living and not the dying. And I have way whittled down what I consider worth spending my time and energy on.
Betwixt and between is not comfortable, yet I am finding it also strangely liberating.
What (and who) is worth spending your time and energy on? How would that change if your timeline was shortened?
We are all betwixt and between.